Wish I could express about my current feelings, but since it's getting late now (2.43am), I can't afford to lose more sleeping time now when I can sleep.
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To summarize it, I'm pretty sad today.
I hardly get sad over friendship. The last I remembered was a few years back when I started to feel a great distance between myself and a close friend. We were so close, until one point I almost shared to her all of my problems, be they family or relationship problems. For me to share until that extend, you must be someone whom I really, really trust.
Sadly? We hardly talk anymore.
There was one period of time where I was so sad that she got close to another girl friend. Well what can I do to save our friendship? Nothing. I lost my only best friend.
I can't seem to find someone that can accept me as I am, to be there to listen and basically fool around with me.
That was then.
To be honest I never really had a best friend ever since. Until when I finally learn to treasure friendship again, which is now, I was not being appreciated. Have I given so much that they took it for granted? When I cared so much and nobody cares for me, have I sacrificed too much to get myself so torn inside? I don't understand. It has been happening for quite some time and I always let the feelings go away since those are small matters. But today. One sentence that was not meant to hurt me, has cut me from the top to bottom. I was so lost at words that I just walked away without a word.
'Oh. I forgot about you.'
It wasn't the first time I heard this but, it has been planted in me.
That was today.
What got me to write this post isn't how disappointed I feel. It was something else.
Before I write this post I was sitting down in my usual chair doing my assignment. I was pretty quiet throughout the night. My hands were working on my project and my head zoning off, just wasn't in the mood.
Then I received a call from a long-time-friend.
The phone call lasted for an hour and a half. What was it about? Nothing. All he did was to stay on the line, singing to me while I worked on my assignment.
He knew I was unhappy cause I told him so, expecting him to leave me alone. But instead of being annoyed, his stay actually meant so much to me. I was touched.
It must be God, trying to show me that there are people who actually cared.
It must be God, trying to ease my heartache.
It must be God.
That was the phone call.
Later when we were texting, he told me that he was diagnosed with some incurable sickness.
I was stunned for a long time.
For the first time in my life, I was so, afraid, to lose, a friend.
Suddenly, all the memories I had with him flashed through my mind.
I was in pain.
Then he told me it wasn't serious. As long he takes care of himself, as long the sickness doesn't get serious, it's fine.
Regardless. I told myself I have to appreciate this friend, till my very last breath.
As i was recalling the past, he has always been there.
He is the one who always comes to me when there is problem.
He always tells me how much he appreciates our friendship, how much he appreciates me.
I never took it to heart.
I feel so bad.
We were from the same kindergarten, so technically we were friends for almost 18 years now.
But we only reconciled at age 15/16. So to be exact, we have at least a solid 7-year-friendship by now.
Well.
That was the deal.
Funny part was. I had a bad dream the day before, that one of my good friend told me that he was diagnosed with cancer, and that he has only 1 month left. Something else happened in the dream which I don't intend to express. When I woke up I felt so strange. It faded anyway.
Such coincidence? Or maybe not.
Friendship.
I'm seeing it a different way now.
Goodnight.
