Into Pieces (20/1/2016)

The year did not start very good.

Seeing today's condition of the country with endless issues and conflicts within, it did not give me a very peaceful year to welcome. I may be counting down with a group of new friends, I may be laughing, but none of those assured us all that this year's gonna be good.

Grandpa passed away on the 12th of January, I headed back to Johor with my family for his funeral. To be really honest with myself I did not have too deep a grief, considering that my memories of him were back when I was very little. However as I was physically there for his funeral, I was swelled with emotions. Partly for him leaving and also for this weak and worthless life that our souls sit in.

That trip home has opened so many areas of thoughts that I haven't venture in. Newborns give us hope and the deads put us in grief. This is life cycle. It's...pretty tiring.

Now looking at the things that I am attached to, I tend to go a little too far in thinking these days that I even suspected myself for having depression lol. Regardless, I hope it goes away soon. It kills me inside.

I figured also that life has so many changes and especially at this age (23) I am expecting many unprepared changes in the near future. I am starting to get so afraid of changes, and uncertainties have taken too much of my brain capacity. As you get older there are things that you have to let go in order to pursue more of the other. What am I gonna lose along this journey? What if I don't want to let go? What choices to be and not to be made?


    a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

He has made everything beautiful in its time. 


These are some verses in the book of Ecclesiastes.
I guess there's no better refuge than to look again at God's assurance for us.

Dear Lord, please take charge. Amen.

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The power of prayer.

Many months ago when I was still serving as a children church teacher, I would always tell my kids how prayer always worked miraculously throughout my life. Until my faith faded.

I remember how I would encourage people to pray for the slightest matter in their daily lives because I used to believe that God doesn't only answer big and passionate prayers but also insignificant ones.

However I still lost it myself.

Recently as I'm working my best to come close once again to Him, I started seeing small things that God showed me. Little by little, day by day. One thing I'm sure, he still hears me all the time.

Here are some little testimonies I experienced:

1.

Few days ago I was preparing pasta for lunch. The carbonara sauce bottle cap was tighter than usual even my brother couldn't uncap it. We had about a good 20mins mini war with the bottle trying our utmost best but nothing worked. Till my bro said an instant quick yet firm prayer. The next thing I know, brother turned the bottle cover and 'BOP'. There he did it. We gazed at each other before we cheered for our victory.

2.

Yesterday I finally received a long-waited text. I passed my Fresh Bottle audition that I took part last month. Even though I went with a just-for-fun attitude, the text yesterday still got me screaming lol. First I received a text saying I passed as a guitarist. When I saw the text I was a little disappointed because that means my singing didn't pass. After about an hour I was still thinking about it and I indirectly expressed to God how I would prefer to have that platform to sing instead. Just as I was in the middle of my imagination, I received another text, and it was like one hour after the first text. It was the same message, just that the word 'guitarist' was replaced with 'vocalist'. I was excited as crap. I ain't joking. I really was.

If I were to tell this to everybody, many may think that it was just co-incidence. Maybe if we worked a little harder the bottle would still be opened. Maybe if I didn't pray at all the same text would come.


Regardless, I chose to believe that He heard me. Past, Now, and Then.

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Ever Sincere

I have a small test tomorrow morning at 9am. I haven't started studying yet. Lol God knows where my confidence comes from haha.

 Just now after I took my shower, I came out of the bathroom like usual and started drying my hair. Strangely, I started talking to myself. Usually the voice remains in my head but this time, I just talked like I was talking to a person for real while it was empty in the room.

As creepy as it may sound, it led me to an ever sincere prayer to God. After so long.

With tears rolling in my eyes, with a brokenhearted, and a confused mind, I talked to God.

I'm sure He heard me. I'm sure He did. Aite back to my notes. Ciao. (:

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