(21/10/2015) Sem Break!

Life's getting exciting!

I've been singing for weddings with my partner.
I've been doing good in my major classes.
My first year in MMU as a degree student has just ended.
I've made it into Fresh Bottle performance team.
I've been recognized for my talent.
I just had my glasses changed.
I've been earning my own pocket money.
I've been handling group assignments pretty well.
I've been making new friends.
I've been trying out new experience like emcee-ing for events.
I had my first promoter job few days back and it went smoothly.
I've been complimented by my leader for my capability at work.
I've been building good names among my lecturers.

Only thing is that,

I've been losing weight.
I've been sleeping very little since the past months.
I've not been coming back to Seremban.
I've not been exercising.
I've not been drinking alot of water but coffee instead.
I've not been hanging out with my high school gang.
I've not been eating healthy.
I've not been taking good care of my face.
I've not been practicing my drawing.
I've not been managing my time well enough.
I've not been getting updates of the news.
I've not been resting.
I've not been reading.

Sem break has just started,

I'm going to do some covers as requested.
I'm going to practice what I've been learning in class.
I'm going to prepare for my sister's wedding.
I'm going to spend time with my family.
I'm going to catch up with old friends in Seremban.
I'm going to practice guitar fingering.
I'm going to update blog as much as I could.
I'm going to tidy up my desktop and manage my folders.
I'm going to avoid spending money.
I'm going to bake some cakes or pies.
I'm going to exercise.
I'm going to watch good movies that have been stored in my hard disk for ages.
I'm going to get myself ready for year 2.
I'm going to get closer to God.
I'm going to upgrade myself.
I'm going to broaden my knowledge in as many areas as I can.
I'm going to do some video editing.

I have 3 weeks break,

Time waits for no man.
Life is so packed with so many activities,
yet I am always reminded of God's grace and presence.
For whatever I do,
I know He is watching over me.
For everything that I achieved,
I give all glory to Him.

I know I will never get to complete my task-list for this time,
but I will make sure I'm a better person when the break ends.

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(10/8/2015) 近况

好久没有发泄了。

最近心情特别沉重，担心的事情也随着时间有增无减。
已经来到第三个学期的Week7，再多7个星期，我就得告别First Year了。

上个星期是我两年以来最压力最伤肝的一个星期。原因是因为有两个Major assignment的submission，搞得我三天三夜才睡了少过10个小时，严重缺眠。除了课业还要担心表演的准备，加上感情出了少少问题，更让我精神不佳，变本加厉。少了倾诉对象，少了对我嘘寒问暖的人，我除了缺眠还要加上失眠的痛。当一切都在同一时间发生时，那种煎熬的程度，不是开玩笑的。

现在一切也告一段落，功课做得还满意，和他和好了，周末表演也圆满结束，蛮欣赏自己的坚强，熬着熬着就熬过来咯。 感谢主啦 (:

虽然这个星期少了一半的忧虑，可是感觉我还没完全恢复正常。睡眠还没调整，身体需要补一补，精神需要支柱。

好多事情都变了，当你习惯依赖一个人，突然他不再关心一切，你就得学会一个人面对。没有什么大不了的。
在乎的人不会就这样离开，不在乎的怎么强逼也只会弄巧反拙。
我以为我长大了，原来还是个小朋友，需要被呵护，需要有人疼爱。

多么的不安，多么不开心，也得自娱。
掉了多少眼泪，心闷了多久，最终也没说出口。

一个星期7天，其中5天在8位室友的吵嚷声中度过，确实得了不少欢乐。

至少那个时刻我能暂时放下包袱，开怀大笑，哪怕只有一小段的时间。

就这样，烦恼中穿插着他们带给我的轻松，一天一天的过去了。

无论如何，我会很常需要自己安静的时间，比如现在。

吵嚷声不可能被停下来，我也唯有戴上耳机，进入自己的世界，安静地呆在里头。

接下来会更忙碌。

常常提醒自己，追梦，却不忘了让祂带领。

我再怎么坚强，没有上帝的眷顾，一切都变得枉然。

必须放下的东西也该放下，看开。

做好自己的本分，其他就不要多管了，毕竟要管也管不着。

好吧，一起加油。
后会有期。

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Alone

Now that I'm always surrounded by people, I have to appreciate my alone time more.

I'm still adapting to this change, I almost never have time to myself anymore lol. Usually I would follow the gang to lunch after our morning class. Head home, get a power nap, and head back campus for afternoon class. Today's a lil different. I decided not to join them. Speaking of that, thou, they were kind enough to send me home instead of letting me walk. Joey is touched! ((:

Anyway point isn't so much on the meal, but the chance to be home alone.

Along my growing-up path, I've come to learn the importance of self-reflection. I used to be so ignorant that I care very little of what I have done in the past. Not anymore. I forgot when that I started to just choose to come quiet sometimes and think of the conversation that just happened, or think of my act 5 mins ago. Surprisingly I managed to act wiser when the same thing happened again.

I don't mean I'm all saint but that, is a very helpful way for myself to build better relationships with people around me.

Something unhappy happened last night. I was in a pretty bad mood. I went to sleep having it unsettled, and I had bad dreams. I woke up feeling unhappy, and even right now, I have not recovered.

Regardless whether it is settled or not, as I reflect on myself, I found that I have somehow gotten better at managing my emotion. Back then, I would be different. So yeah, I'm glad.

Never stop improving yourself, aite? (: ciao

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Self-esteem

The thing is, I never really know me myself.

Yes I have very low self esteem. At times I thought I have overcome it but when criticism comes, I indulge in self-pity again. Reason? Because I don't understand myself. O.O Have you ever come across situations where you are sooo down at one point you hated yourself so much you wish you were somebody else? I have, countless of times ahaha. One of the biggest downfall of me is that I follow too much of what people say. In short I just care too much of being the girl people wants me to be, rather than just being myself.

After 21 years of living? I only realized it now that there are 7 billions of different minds in this world. I mean yeah don't state the obvious but I seemed to be too oblivious about it. Your society affects who you are. So don't be such a baby when criticism hits. On the contrary, compliments should not make one stop improving. I'm telling myself that every now and then, I guess everyone should too.

I once read an article that says self-esteem of a person could be different depending on the situations. You may be the boss at school and a mice at home. I hardly trust my own judgement, because it seems that my comments are most of the time ignored or useless. Does that make me stop giving comments? Yes, but it shouldn't be that way.

To excel, first you have to accept yourself as you are. I could be a hipster and a philanthropist. I could be a dropout and a singer. I could be a scorer and a drug addict. It may sound cliche but Never Ever judge a book by its cover.

In my 21 years of living I have tried various ways overcoming my low self-esteem. I started off believing in myself. But then I overestimated myself and one time when I failed it was as if I fell from Mt. Kinabalu into the bottom of the sea lol. And then I started putting myself very low. I thought I was humble but heck I was in self-destructing mode.

After struggling for years I have finally come to solution. Accept myself as I am. I know what you're thinking, I AM that dumb. rawr.

Beauty comes after Confidence. Criticism may be harsh but I'm learning to take them as a stepping stone. Especially when criticism comes from people closest to you, you may think that they are not being supportive but remember, there are 7 billions of brains in the world. I always wonder how God plan the communities, because to me one of the hardest thing is to tolerate and live with people of different brains as yours. Think of your best friend, think of your significant other, what makes you two so close? Don't tell me you both have the same mindsets because no matter how similar you both think, there will still be differences that you have no choice but to accept and tolerate. Again because there are 7 billions of people in the world, there will never be a second you. Each time I tell myself that I feel like dancing WHEEHEE :D  So what I was trying to say is that, be who you are and NEVER try to imitate others. Of course there are exceptions.

Accepting criticisms with an open heart does not mean you absorb them. Instead, analyse with your God-given wisdom and improve if you should. Back then I would run to a corner and draw tons of circles but no, now I'm learning to face it and, BACKFIRE AHAHAHA joking.

Accepting my own weaknesses isn't like a piece of cake. Because the more I try to understand myself it is true that I see more weaknesses in myself, which back then I would not admit. First step to success is to know your mistakes. Be a maximizer not a coward. Improvement should be made and if you reach your limit then that is your limit. Accept it and move on in life.

I want to be beautiful, therefore I will accept myself.
And since I like it so much, kudos to the 7 billions of human brains on earth. Ciao! (:

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